Czech please

Czech me out

Me: Hey guard.

Guard:

Me: So this is where the President lives?? Where's the doorbell, I want to talk to him?

Guard:

Me: Hey guard

Guard:

Me: So a pirate walks into a bar, and he has a steering wheel attached to his crotch. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink...

Guard:

Me: ...the bartender hands him a drink and says "do you mind if I ask what's the deal with the steering wheel attached to your crotch?"

Guard:

Me: ...and the pirate goes, "yaaar, it drives me nuts."

Guard:

wow, these guys are good

My Nephew Mikalosh

Last night I hung out with my nephew Mikalosh (pronounced mee-ka-loash). The guy has been alive for 18 years and I just today learned of his existence. Evidently pops sowed an oat or two pre-migration.

I made him call me uncle all night.

RIP

Possibly my last post

Today I'm taking our entire diamond inventory with me on the plane to Prague. I have over 200 diamonds on my person as I type this sentence. I'm no expert on matters of international commerce, but I have to call into question the legality of this move. I mean, this is Thailand... Didn't they hang some dude for keying a car?






















While I'm at it, may as well smuggle 400 pairs of Swarovski Crystal earrings:

Pimpin all over the world

Yesterday I felt like a Singha or two, so I went to one of the nicer hotels and sat at the bar. I was trying to practice my new Thai vocabulary on the bartender and next thing I know he calls the hotel owner to come down and have a beer with me. He speaks English pretty well and we get to talking about Chuck Norris… people love that guy over here. Then he says… “You should meet my daughter”… big mistake.

Come on… you didn’t think I was going to come all the way out to Bangkok and NOT make out with an 18 year old Thai girl, did you?

Haha, I just got this myspace message from her:

hello Mike. i will send our pictures to you e-mail but have no idea what yours is. you look good in some pictures lol and look like Mr. Bean in some pictures too! but i like them anywhere i will post these to my myspace this week and will add caption under Mr.Been's son picture it will be like "Me And A Brith Famous Actor (Mr. Bean)" lol

Short Cut

One way??? Sounds like a challenge to me.

You say tomato...

This is me in an elevator... translated "kheun let lohm glawng," the literal meaning: up and down box

Nah, i'm just joking, they don't really call it that... be a lot cooler if they did though.

New Friends

Bangkok nightlife is awesome. I don't remember any of these pictures being taken, nor do I know these people:

Employee Outing

Today I gave my employees the day off on the condition that they take me to the beach. After ripping a shot of snake’s blood, we made the three hour drive to one of the non-tourist beaches south of Bangkok.

I was particularly excited to grease up given my Hollywood Tans hiatus, but soon disappointed to realize that Thai people don’t “sun sponge” as Chinunna calls it. The beach is covered with enough umbrellas to where you’re essentially indoors and there are a bunch of tables and chairs set up. You sit down and vendors swarm with the normal meats-on-sticks and whatnot…. it’s kind of like going to a really dirty restaurant.








Every day at noon this 40 foot Thai sea-monster roams the beach looking for lunch. Right after I took the picture he ate that umbrella.

Thai people don’t have beach-chairs so they sit on horses.

Bam!

Evidently, dropping a sea creature in the friar or pouring a little sauce on it counts as sufficient preparation over here.

Oh Sure... put a little lettuce on it, then nobody will notice the thing still has it's head on.

Sepak Takraw Pick-Up

So, you know that crazy ass sport you always see on T.V. and wonder where on Earth it's played??? You know what I'm talking about... the one where it looks like a hardcore volleyball team had all their arms chopped off but wasn't ready to give up the sport??? Well I found it:



I picked up three 40's of "Singha" (local beer) and sat on the Bangkok curb for 2 hours watching these guys. Team "super ninja kick" on the right hand side was clearly my favorite and I let the other team know it. I don't think Thai people are used to being "boo'd."

Egon

I realize that the whole fruit infatuation thing is probably getting annoying, but check this out:


My favorite is the one that looks like ecto-cooler because it makes me dizzy.

Oh Lord

Is Jesus gonna be pissed that I live with this thing?

Culture Beat

6-17-07

Is it vain to love the way my name looks written in precious gems? If so... the following mega hit will henceforth be my theme song:

Dining in Thailand: items of note:

6-15-07

* Straws are used ALWAYS… regardless of beverage type, be it bottled water, milk, beer, coffee… I watched my boy P-Bon use a straw at a water fountain.

* Strange beverage consumption is not limited to straw use. Beer is always served with ice and often drinks are served in bags… yeah bags. I’m not talking Capri-Sun, but rather shopping bags like you see at Wal-Mart… handles and all. They’ll stick a straw right in the top of that bitch.

* Breakfast, lunch and dinner foods are indiscernible. Rice, noodles, soup, and meats on sticks are no more or less appropriate at any particular time of day.

* Everything thing tastes like fish and is spicy as hell, even bread and candy.

* Juice is amazing. As soon as I’m done here I’m getting a trash bag of dragon fruit juice.

* Fish jerky is disgusting / kind of addicting.


Breakfast

Lunch










Dinner

Words to Live by

6-13-07

A wise friend of mine offered up the following advice to keep me safe during my travels.

"If you get cornered by an angry mob while overseas, just start pissin yourself and screaming like your going to tear the shit out of everything."

Today in the Bagkok Post

Thai news is freaking wild. You know how the Boston Globe, NY Times, Wall Street Journal, etc. are always so depressing and filled with stupid shit noone cares about like articles about health insurance? Definitely not here. Every single article is some fantastic story... half of it has to be made up. I bet there's some crazy Bangkok Post "Journalist" walking around coffee shops laughing at the people reading the thing with their jaw dropped. Oh, and probably 60% of the stories have to do with animals which is a huge plus. Take this for example:

The article is about people trying to export rare asps in their suitcase or albino tortoises in their trunk. One guy taped a newt to the side of his leg before getting on a plane. I think the article even mentions a unicorn.

Then there's this...

When a town floods in the United States, it sucks. All your stuff gets all moldy and water damaged and it's a big hassle... but when it floods in Thailand, your house becomes an amphibious refuge. You go home after a hard days work and sitting on your lazy boy is a freaky iguana... Chameleons in your sock drawer... monitor ate all your shaving cream... skink left the garage door open.

I don't believe this needs any commentary:

Por La Mai

That means "fruit" and Thailand has the most amazing fruit I've ever had. I'm from the "Orange State" and those things taste like chaulk compared to the shit that grows out here. And did you know that "dragon fruit" isn't just a skittles flavor?? The thing actually exists... and it looks crazy as hell... it's like if a zebra and a mango mated and then laid an egg on your plate.
And what the Christ is this thing????

I don't know either but I felt it needed a makeover....

Now look how pretty... all his hairy buddies are jealous

Coon Boo

6-10-07

Today my new buddy "Coon Loo" (translated "Mr. Fight") gave me a demonstration on his company's "casting" machinery line. Casting is the process of actually making the jewelry. Mr. Fight was very proud of the fact that they ordered the latest and greatest machinery from Japan and reproduced it. Apparently Thailand doesn't have very strict copyright infringement laws. Anyway, Mr. Fight loved my "cong tai loo" (camera) and i was able to get some good footage of the whole process. Check it out, it's actually kinda interesting:

Mike Talk Thai

6-9-07


My favorite employee “P-Bon” taught me over 150 Thai words today. Some of them are pretty hilarious. Every opportunity I get I’ll use the following:

Jamoo – Nose
Kalumpang – Bread
Dai Poo Chai – Litle Boy
Capong – Can
Poo Cow – Mountain
Wan Poo La Hot – Wednesday

Welcome "Mr. Michael"

June 8, 2007

My 26 hour plane ride yielded time to research my new temporary home. With the following information, I considered myself fully knowledgeable on the Thai culture:

* Bangkok is actually short for: Krung-dēvamahānagara amararatanakosindra mahindrayudhyā mahātilakabhava navaratanarājadhānī purīrāmasya utamarājanivēsana mahāsthāna amaravimāna avatārasthitya shakrasdattiya vishnukarmaprasiddhi..... but if you just say “Bangkok” they’ll know what you’re talking about. (wikipedia)

* Never point with your toe

* Never touch anyone’s head

* Don’t talk to “lady-boys”

I also learned that Bangkok is not known for its glamorous lifestyle. My original plan was to go from the airport to our factory, which I was told has a “bedroom.” Rather than rushing into things, I figured I’d stay in a hotel for a night or two.

My only English-speaking employee, Chinunna, picked me up from the airport. She greeted me with a “hello Mr. Michael” and a bow. I’d pay 1,000 Baht ($29) to see my half-assed first attempt at a return-bow.

Chinunna dropped me off at the Holiday Inn – Silom, which is actually a pretty posh hotel. I’ve stayed at a Holiday Inn or two and this one was bad ass. It actually spoiled me considering I moved into a Bangkok warehouse the next day.


Hotel Bedroom















Current Bedroom















Hotel Dining













.

Current Dining















Old View













.
Current View

Off to a Great Start

6-3-07

This weekend marked my five year reunion from BC and the onset of “The Summer of Jirout.” Game Plan: Party on campus with friends for two days, during which time I need to find a ride to the NYC area in order to catch my Monday flight out of Newark. Festivities went as expected and can be summed up with the following moments captured in time:

8 A.M. Bedtimes

.

.

.

Chicks Crying

.

.

.

.

Dudes Puking

.

.

Angry Texans

.

.

Saucy Vixens

.

.

Italian Tea Bags

.

.

.

.

.

Breaking, Entering & Arson for the Flaming Ass-Grab

.

.

.

.

And Obviously Me Getting Laid

.

.

Sunday Morning...

Packing in preparation for a month-long journey to uncharted continents does not make for a good hangover remedy, yet I managed to fill up a bag or two on Sunday morning. Portnov (a.k.a. Old Dirty Vouvelides) was kind enough to offer me a ride to NYC and a place to stay for the night. From Manhattan I figured a short commuter rail to Newark on a full-night sleep would be cake. We made good time and around say the Midtown area I realize that... still sitting in Boston are my plane tickets, passport, cash, laptop and liver. Recognizing this as a great opportunity to assimilate myself into my future surroundings, I hop the Fung Wah back to Boston. What's an extra 10 hours of travel tacked onto a 26 hour plane ride? And as a bonus I learned some Asian swear words. People speak "Asian" in Thailand right??

May or May Not Regret This

6-1-07

Ok, so I'm sitting at work one day and trying to assess my life: I have a good job... I don't get paid a ton, but I have a sick office on the 35th floor in the Financial District of Boston and coworkers that may as well be family. I have great friends and never have a problem finding a drinking buddy on weekends... and the summer is finally here. All in all, I have a pretty solid situation. My apartment sucks ass and lately girls have been flaky as hell, but I really have nothing to complain about.

SICK OFFICE










.

GREAT FRIENDS





.
.
.
.

FLAKY BROADS

So anyway, things are easy, too easy. I feel like I need to do something big. A year ago my pops and I started a company; importing & exporting, like George Costanza. We deal in diamonds, Moissanite, precious metals, gemstones, investment gold, and jewelry related tools. We started off getting some tools in Singapore, gemstones from India, testers from China, some shit from Turkey, and stuff from other places. Then, on a trip to Thailand, my pops acquires a small group to do all of our manufacturing of finished jewelry pieces. We lease a five-story building in downtown Bangkok and start peddling our jewelry worldwide.... 10,000 rings to Ecuador, 15,000 assorted pieces to the CZ, a decent order to the States, etc. Our people are really good at what they do. You can give them any item; ring, necklace, bracelet, pendant, and they can reproduce it to a T. You can even draw them a picture and next thing you know you have the real thing in your hand. Shit, you can close your eyes and think of a set of earrings and when you open them, there's my little Thai people holding your new set of earrings.


Unfortunately, it seems that Thai schools consist primarily of arts and crafts curriculum, rather than say economics, business administration, basic addition and subtraction... because we're sending tens of thousands of pieces of jewelry across the globe for a year and we're still in the red. A-Diamond Bangkok is in need of a serious restructuring.



Pops convinces me to go check out the situation first hand. I quit my job and book a flight to Bangkok. My mission: Assess the situation. Consolodate all financial records and forecast future earnings / expenses. Figure out how to make the situation work or determine whether we pull the rip-cord on A-Diamond Bangkok.

After quitting my job, the realization of my free-agent status sinks in, and I decide to expand on my June travels and make this "The Summer of Jirout." Plans as of yet include the following: